Did I mention my dad was dying? Lung cancer after many years of smoking…not a surprise by any means, but still surreal to experience.
I have spent a couple weeks with him since I quit my job, a luxury of time I would not have been able to take previously. I am very glad to be able to have this time with him right now but the time with him and his wife is exhausting. Don’t get me wrong…I love them to death but they are so freaking strange!
She has always been somewhat OCD about even the slightest thing. Things must be done a very particular way, her way. For years she ran the show and he went along for the ride. Since retiring five years ago he has absorbed all her OCD eccentricity, but she still strictly runs the show. There is a very long list of things she feels this grown man is absolutely incapable of doing on his own. He wishes now she would allow him to be more of a partner, but he knows that is a battle he should have fought long ago. Too late now.
My theory, based on my family, is that as people age, whatever idiocincracies they had in their earlier years will become exaggerated as they get older. So true in the case of my dad and step mother. They have morphed into one odd ball of worry, stress and paranoia. I literally had to argue with him to take the morphine Hospice had provided him because he was afraid of becoming too dependent on it.
Although they can be a challenge to be with, I feel like they are providing me clues on my path, crumbs along the way. I have to take this time to look at the patterns in my life…how ingrained is “busy-ness” in my life? Too busy to hang out, go visit family, to take care of myself, go on vacation, to make sure my husband knows he is a true partner…too busy to do all those things I always wanted to do.
These clues reinforce for me the need to turnaround. How about you? What patterns do you need to look at?
Last day at work, ready to get it over with. Can’t wait to release it. I need to let this go, let this year go. I am anxious to do a number of things truly to right my compass. I feel as though my compass has been broken for a time. Its time to get it back on track. Here is my list of things I am going to do this week/month, in no particular order:
Sign up for RE classes
Arrange Hawaii trip
Sign up for yoga classes
Get help setting up a blog
Arrange a sister’s weekend with Shelley and Cheryl
Go back to church
Reach out to friends, develop new ones
Honor my family
Study meditation and mindfulness
Take care of myself physically and mentally
Plan things to do this summer with Bob and the girls
Now, six weeks later, I look back on this list to gauge where I am. Let’s just say, in the past I haven’t been well known for completing my to-do lists. In all fairness, over the past year I haven’t had time to even make a list, let alone check things off of it. But I am very proud to say, I have done every one of the items on this list. I am going to sit back and revel in that a bit ~ Good job me!
In an effort to be mindful and not just busy, I want to consider how this feels.
I can sleep through the night
I am happy to wake up (for the first time in a year)
I have energy and purpose
I don’t know what is going to happen next but I am not scared, I am hopeful. I have taken as much control as I have in me and I graciously give the rest to God.
Just wanted to give you a little insight into where my mind was the day I gave notice…
Last straw conversation with my boss – check!
Gave notice – check!
Made a plan – oops!
The 12th will be my last day. I cannot wait. I can’t pretend anymore I haven’t hated walking in that building every day for a year. I haven’t been able to get more than about five hours of sleep a night since I gave my notice. I wake up playing all the conversations with my boss in my head; what I said, what I should have said. Bottom line is, he was a lunatic and this company is not a good fit for me and my family.
For the first time in my life I have a little money in the bank and can make a decision to cut ties, shake it off and start again. Start again, what does that even mean? To be honest, I stumbled into logistics in the first place, definitely without meaning to make a career of it. But eight years later, here I am. I have an odd back ground, not sure I want to stay in this field. What can you even start over and do at my age? What would you do if you had a choice?
I always wanted to sell real estate. I even went so far as to get my license in Texas and sold a house. Unfortunately I have never had the time or money to build up a real business. That is actually a choice I could make now. That and write.
I always like to think these things happen for a reason. I can guarantee you working the schedule I was working, I could not have maintained that and actually ever have a chance of being the person I am meant to be. Maybe the experience was really bad for me so that I would venture out and really dig deep into what I need. Maybe so…
It’s been about six weeks…six weeks since I reached my limit, texted my husband and let him know I was giving my notice at work. I was DONE!
Prior to this frantic late night text home, I had spent the weeks and months leading up to this time obsessively searching phrases such as, Is this all there is?, mid life crisis, turning 50 and a number of other random search words and phrases in hopes of finding some insight into what I was feeling.
I was working 12 hour days in the slow season, working nights, with no schedule change in sight. I managed a team of 100 or so people when it was slow, and as many as 600 when it was on fire. During the busy time of the year I was putting in 16 hour days, six days a week…insanity. Two months a year was spent on this busy schedule, while the remaining ten months of the year was spent trying to recover from or prepare for the two busy ones! It literally stole an entire year of my life from me.
I know that sounds like a dramatic statement, but I simply never recovered from the change to a night shift. I had aways worked crazy hours, traveled for work a great deal, it didn’t sound like it would be a big deal. Let me tell you, to me, it was a very big deal. I just never recovered, never regained my spark or sanity each day.
It became very clear to me, I was ready for a turnaround….