Finding Freedom in the Doing

We all have cycles in life where things are suckier than we would like them to be.  During these times it is easy to wax poetic about all the things we would do if only our lives weren’t so sucky right now; if we had time, the money, a better job, if we lost 20 pounds…insert your favorite go to crutch here.  The challenge though, when we actually get that time, money, job, etc is whether or not we will actually do those things we professed to want to do.  Were circumstances truly preventing us from the opportunity or were we just full of shit in terms of what we really want and how we want to present ourselves to the world?  Follow me here…it’s much easier and more socially acceptable to say, “Of course I would exercise and eat right if I didn’t have this job right now, who wouldn’t”, than to say, “I would really love to spend days reading on my couch and I have an insatiable affinity for carne asada burritos!”

A few of the things I wished for over the last year, if I only had the chance…

  • Sleep a full 8 hours during normal night time hours
  • Make delicious and healthy food for my family
  • Find fun for me exercise
  • Be social again.  Connect with new friends, reconnect with old

So, how have I done now that I have the chance?   Sleep…nailed it!  Love it…so happy to wake up these days.

Delicious and healthy food…well yes…but this goal collides with my other farming/gardening goals.  Turns out eight squash plants are too much for a family of seven to eat everyday, or should I say, too much for some of them to want to eat everyday!  We have had it roasted, sauteed, baked in bread, spiraled into noodles.  Squash level is a little intense around here right now.  Yep…this is today’s haul and the season isn’t even on yet.

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Fun for me exercise..well I have ideas about what this could be.  I have always wanted to, or at least said I wanted to, learn to golf.  Bob loves it, it is something we can do together.  I have crushed his dreams of me ever being his dawn patrolling surf buddy, but this is something that could still happen.  Keep in mind though, this is the man that taught me to snow ski, skiing backwards the whole time down blue runs, over jumps on one of the most extreme mountains in Colorado.  Let’s just say, he will not be teaching me to golf, lessons will be required.

Being social again, it’s a work in progress but going well, at the right speed for me.

This week brought two of my want to do things together in one; fun exercise and socializing.  I was invited to take golf lessons with some ladies from my neighborhood.  Sounds awesome, right?  If you have not had the opportunity to do something for a very long time, it can be intimidating to do it again, even if it is really what you want to do.  My socializing muscles are clearly as weak as some of my physical muscles, at least in my mind.  On the outside I am charming as hell, its the angst inside that can rule my world if I allow it.  Anxiety level grew as the date got closer…didn’t even look up directions for where I was going until the morning of, in the event I blew it off and it wouldn’t matter anyway.  I don’t really know these women, just met one of them one time, they certainly wouldn’t miss me.  But I didn’t blow it off…I got myself into the car and down the road.  In spite of spilling coffee down the front of my shirt as I was getting out of the car and spending what felt like an entire hour getting my left arm up and over my boobs, I had a great time and learned a few new skills. So very glad I went and looking forward to next week.

Couple of things I realized this week:

  • My want to do list is an evolving work in progress
  • I have to do my best keep it clear of things I think the world expects of me while at the same time full of things I would truly like to do.
  • I need to get over the fear or get it off my list.  I can’t let fear allow me to feel like a failure of my own damn list, that is ridiculous.
  • Overcoming the fear will give me the confidence to add new things more easily to the list.

I am definitely finding freedom in the doing.  How is your list looking?

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