This summer has wrung nearly every emotion out of me. I have been excited, exhausted, amazed, and devastated. I have been overcome repeatedly by both tears of joy and tears of sorrow. In fact, much to my embarrassment, I recently met my daughter’s new high school pastor and his wife and immediately burst into tears. I am sure my girls were mortified but the tears are there, just bubbling around the surface.
While I am grateful everyday that I made a decision to say goodbye to a job that did not serve us well in order to focus on building a better path, it hasn’t been easy. Our ego is so tied to what we do, even when it sucks, it is hard to let go of.
While my intention was to leave my job and blaze this new path, the cycle of life I am in has other immediate plans for me. I know better than to think I have any control right now anyway. In addition to not knowing exactly what I am going to do when I grow up, my pre-menopausal hormones have gone wild, my #2 child leaves for college in 21 days, and my father is continuing his losing battle with lung cancer. A few weeks ago I said he’d be gone by the end of July, yet here we are, him continuing to face new challenges each day. It gets confusing and emotional when you are thankful he is still here yet praying for his peaceful passing at the same time. When we found my cat killed this week in the yard, it almost put me over the edge…more tears. I am pretty much mush by now.
Don’t get me wrong…life does not totally suck, plenty of good things are taking place as well. We just returned from our first real vacation as a family ever; an awesome week in Maui. As a bonus, I am not pasty white for the first time in nine years! My daughter just graduated high school and we had a great going away party for her and her friends. I had a great visit with my sisters, one of which I hadn’t seen in 15 years. All of it intertwines each day, the good and the bad, all of it seeming to require my tears right now.
In the three and a half months since I left my job I have been very productive, ticking a ton of things off of my to do list, a list that had been all but ignored in recent years. I dove right in, warrior princess style, knocking things out. I eventually began to find myself getting a little distracted and unsure of what to do next, wandering a bit. Although I had gotten a lot done, I had essentially done all the busy work. Turns out all the things left on my list require serious soul searching, patience, grace, extreme character…you know, the hard stuff. So much easier just to have a big to do list and go real fast about my day!
Unfortunately for a doer like me, the hard stuff is not always solution oriented…it is often quiet and reflective. At this point in time, there is really nothing more important to be done right now than simple things like impromptu Netflix marathons with my daughters or sitting with my dad while he struggles to find breath. After years of going non stop, this is an extreme test of all I have in me, but I will figure it out. I am allowing it to wash over me and trying to take it all in…to remember as many details as possible about these moments.
This is all that’s real right now, that much I do know. I will just let the tears come as they do and I will figure the other stuff out later. Thank you God for this time.
And to our bad ass little cat, George, thank you for five years of awesomeness…
“All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.”
~ Samuel Butler